Sunday Morning


Imagine being in love with two women at the same time. Every moment you spend with one kills you because you can’t spend it with the other. All the lying and cheating. Leaving home early for an important meeting. Working on Sundays. You’ve heard the drill.

Then imagine discovering that not only do they know each other, they adore each other. They want each other.

Only when she snatched the keys from him did he realize that his fantasy was about to come true. He ran back into the house, stuffed some tissues into his back pocket and ran back out hoping he hadn’t missed any of the action.

She was staring at her reflection in the shiny petrol tank.

“You know how to do this right? Just gradually let go of the clutc…”

“Shut up kiddo, I’ve seen you do it way too many times.”

The bump in his pants shrank a little, but he hopped on the back seat nonetheless.

A few hiccups later they were on the highway. Between the sweet smell of the exhaust and her long, lovely hair, he hovered dangerously close to an explosive olfactory orgasm. With his hands around her slender waist he watched the pedestrians watch him, proud of this threesome that rumbled along carelessly in its own bubble.

“Ummm, please stop shoving your boner into my back”

“There’s not much I can do, unless you have a better place for me to shove it”

He saw a hint of a smile in the rear view mirror.

They stopped at a red light and he looked down to see her soft thighs hugging the warm metal. Brats in a fancy sedan a few meters away wiped the drool off their faces. One of them stuck his head out to say something smart, but a short stare from her was more than enough. The light turned green and they sped off.

He could hold it in no longer.

Back home, she sunk into the couch.

“I thought you were having a fit.”

“Maybe I was. It was a pretty good one though.”

“I’m not taking you the next time.”

“You can’t do that!”

“Oh shut up, of course I can. She’s mine just as much as she is yours.”

He knew that made perfect sense. He was sharing both now. Individually, he lost more than he gained. But then a threesome is more than a sum of its parts.

These characters also appeared in The Dark Room. Which you should read.

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Cattery is here to stay


I’m a dog guy. Always have been.

No one admits it but just like children, dogs are inconvenient. More so for a single man with a very erratic schedule. So when it came to choosing a pet to fill the emotional void that engulfs one when you get over the relief of finally being home after a tough day at work, I chose a cat. Cats aren’t just less inconvenient, they are in fact, more convenient.

Apart from reading user manuals in the potty and obsessively inspecting the packaging of every newly acquired item, my other main pastime is writing lengthy and pedantic reviews of everything I own. So consider this A Review of My Cat After 3 Months of Ownership: From a Dog Guy.

Why I repeat the dog guy bit is because I refuse to adhere to the strict principles of being a cat owner. I’m not a hipster, do not obsess about feeding her exact wet and kibble portions, do not believe she owns me and certainly don’t call her a domestic shorthair (a cat fancy term for non-fancy cats).

And as she sits here on my chest, all snuggled up and purring softly just a few minutes after unleashing a vicious fart about 4 inches from my nose, I can say that I adore her. She has personality. She’s got charm. Sometimes she’s complete nuts. But most of all, because she’s rather stupid.

There are few things as cute as a little fur-ball with large green eyes, soft pink paws, a wet nose and no brains.

Being stupid doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a modus operandi. Her standard ploy is to hold my large toe hostage between her rapidly growing incisors, demanding a ransom of fish and/or vigorous chin scratching. Then there is the daily ritual of ankle rubs, a paroxysm of fawning (apologies, I have grown fond of these two words and this post is merely an excuse to use them).

Before I got Anjali (also know as Billeshwari, Lakshmi, Cat and in times of sudden and uncontrollable anger, Terimaki), I did not know if cats reciprocated emotionally. But after 3 months of heavy product usage, my review confirms that they are very good at it. Let me deviate slightly to give you an example.

When we dream, real life stimuli often converts into a scene in the dream. Ringing phones appear when your alarm goes off in real life. A character in your dream starts to mouth obscenities when your college roommate is waking you up in real life etc. But my dream rendering engine was left clueless one day when I woke up to see Anjali enthusiastically grooming my beard. At first it was weird, a cat’s sandpapery tongue rummaging through my facial hair. But then I was in that liberal stage of quasi-sleep and I closed my eyes and well… loved it.

She’s pretty, she’s playful and she’s very entertaining. I sincerely and wholeheartedly recommend this product.

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Reality


A little girl Sadie, was out by a stream,
Worried to death, thinking about the theme.
One last week, just seven more days,
Her mind was slowly drifting away.

“You have a task, to bring to me,
Something that you think real beauty to be,
Be it your mother, or glitzy cars,
The best presentation, will win gold stars.”

“But let it surprise me, let it be real,
Beauty could be a poor man’s one square meal,
It could also be the result, of a day at the spa,
Or simply the sight of a laughing grandpa.”

The words of her teacher, ran inside Sadie’s head,
Beautiful to her, were her dreams in bed.
Beauty to her was the proud gash on her thigh,
Result of a fall from a tree-branch too high.

Confused as ever, she walked back home,
Luckily on the way, she was stopped by a gnome.
“If beauty is what you seek, beauty you shall get,
Look into the shadows, that your human bodies set.”

After that week, she went back to class,
Doubtful of whether, she would fail or pass.
The teacher called out her name, it was her turn,
To showcase real beauty, there were stars to earn.

Switching the lights off, drawing the curtain,
Their curiosity was hers, she was certain.
“What light shows, is the reality you see,
But that reality is not, beautiful enough to me.”

“Light cannot touch you, wherever it pleases,
Your shadow is stronger, nowhere it creases,
It changes its shape, it changes its size,
Your shadows that form, are really very wise.

A mask rather superfluous, each of you wear,
Created by society, the beam of light we share.
But there is a part of you, hidden from  us,
The part that is beautiful,  without any fuss.

See your shadows, from within you they grow,
No mascara laden eyes, or freckles they show.
Nor do they show hatred, or wetness in the eyes,
But when you smile, the shadow face does realize.

To me real beauty, are these shadows you’ve made,
Whether fair-skinned or not, they are all a dark shade.
Shadows are pure, they play with the light,
To me they are beautiful, they seem just right.”


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To the forests and back. Part 1


I doubt men see beauty in you when your feet are covered with bite marks of ticks, some bleeding, some turning black due to all those nights of sub-conscious scratching. Thankfully, some men are hypermyopic.

I have spent the last almost-four months in the forests of western ghats in Karnataka, first Anshi-Dandeli and then Bhadra. I have been busy walking through these forests, which seem to embrace you in and keep you out at the same time. They make sure you feel ashamed at your inability to see, hear, smell and understand. But they also make you feel immensely good about being able to go back to what created you.

Every step through the forests is enchanting, also scary and tiring. The constant need to maneuver, the need to sharpen your ears to detect even the slightest rustle of leaf or the lightest of exhalations, the struggle to be able to see through all that grows in the forests; is daunting. But that is just the beginning. Slowly you learn to almost glide through the undergrowth, avoid the invisible nettles, and begin to understand the presence of animals around you. And then you start feeling the smell of the forests.

Thus, begins the learning. About life. And I have only just begun.

P.S. Some of my field experiences will be put up soon.


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Yesterday


I’m not that bad a cook actually. Serious, ask my friends.

But as I cooked breakfast the other day, an elderly gentleman rang the bell. Not exactly well dressed.

“P.N. Rao?”

“Umm.. no you have the wrong house.”

“No no, P.N. Rao? A-1?”

“This is H-2. A-1 is in that other block over there.”

He continued to stare at me. Probably the language, I thought.

“A-1 doosre block mein hai. Basement se doosri lift lijiye aur first floor pe jaye” I said, gesticulating quite animatedly.

Still staring.

I went back to English.

Then to broken English and Hindi.

Not too sure why I do that. I’m probably thinking, he doesn’t understand English or Hindi, so here’s a brilliant idea. Let me mix the two. Surely he’ll get that. Surely.

He moved closer and finally spoke with a sheepish smile.

“Actually… I am little new here.”

Oh. So you’re lost. Poor man!

The cat had run into the corridor by then. She has this explosive mixture of curiosity and fear. She continues inspecting the new area but with a tail so puffed up  you’d wonder why there’s a christmas tree at the other end of that cat.

I latched the door, picked her up and walked towards the lift. The elderly man trudged along slowly, resting most of his weight on the railing. He looked tired mentally and physically.

We got into the lift and I asked him what languages he spoke.

“Hindi. Angrezi. Sabko aate mujhe.”

My Gult-radar shot up from Low Intensity Risk to Critical Exposure.

Ghar mein Telugu bol te?”

“Haan”

As soon as I started jabbering in his mother tongue his beady eyes lit up. Still a slow walker, in better spirits though.

“I had just gone to the shop. While coming back I forgot.”

I nodded.

“When I moved here I too got lost many times”, I told him. Honestly, I probably did. My sense of direction is terrible.

“Really?”

“Yes yes.”

“When I go back to my village and tell my friends I got lost in my daughter’s house they will have a hearty laugh”, he said.

I had a hearty laugh right there. The cat was growing impatient.

We were walking towards the next lift when he suddenly stopped and almost whispered in my ear (which was about how tall he was anyway)

“If my daughter asks where you met me, just say in the compound somewhere. Actually I went to the shop without telling them. I wanted some gutkha. They don’t let me have it, some doctor said something and they will believe anything. Please haa ok? I will tell I was simply walking.”

I nodded my head. We all have our addictions. Cat was going ballistic by now. I don’t know what Whiskas puts in their can of fish, but that shit is cat cocaine.

I walked with him to his doorstep. Exchanged pleasantries with his middle aged daughter and left.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I burnt my scrambled eggs.

Because I’m not that bad a cook actually.

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The Trip


” So you want me to drop you at the same pla…”

“Dudeeee bus, fuck it, I’m taking it”

“Cool”

Run. Run. Catch bus. Front door opens. Very nice. Conductor asks for change. I say mailto:obama@whitehouse.com. Give him 100. Fuck it. Give me 90 bucks change.

AC. Aaah. Air conditioning. Soft seat. Aaaaah. Baby. Flash back

“Dude I can’t drink this last one, all yours”

Sure. Glug glug glug. Abbe saale, rum and coke hai. Beer nahi. Glug glug glug.

Conductor says HAL.

HAL. Hehe. My stop. Too drunk. AC. Soft seat. Aaaah fuck it.

Conductor says HELICOPTER!

FUCK. Helicopter division. 3km from my place. GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF.

Got off.

In the middle of nofuckingwhere. Auto? No auto. Walk. Suhaana mausam. Suddenly super bright flash. Lightning. VERY FUCKING BRIGHT. Can’t see. Red stuff swimming in front of eyes. Oh my fucking God. Hear sizzling. But no thunder? No sound of lightning striking?

Suddenly LOUDEST FUCKING NOISE I HAVE EVER HEARD. Ears go numb. Sizzling. Lightning has hit a tree nearby.

Run. Run for your fucking life. Run for your next quart of Old Monk. Run for the girl in the forest. Run for the legend that you will be.

Too drunk to realize I’m running. Running along 6 foot deep drains. Run fucker run. It’s going to rain. Lightning might hit you. Bhaag bhenchod bhaag. Run against traffic. Run with dogs chasing. Call the dogs. Entice them. Stretch your hand out. Then realize there are no dogs. Too drunk.

Running wearing Hush Puppies sandals. Why the fuck did I even think of my sandals. Oh yeah, I blew a wad of cash on them.

Run run run. See a gate. Oh my God. So close. Run. Check time. Bakery might close. No food. Hungry as a fuck. Bhaag saale.

Reach turn off to house. Wait for auto. Too tired. Heart rate through the roof. First auto occupied. So on till Nth auto. See N+1th auto. Empty. Take it take it take it.

“LBS Nagar”

“30 Rupees”

“Lauda choos le”

Jump into auto. Reach bakery. Bakery is open. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. Food. Chips. Plum cake. Tea.

Go to  bakery.

Forget why you’ve come to bakery.

“Cheta, ondu….”

“Yenu beku magaaaa?”

“Hmm. Good question. Gothilla”

Come home. Sober Gujju roommate. Eggs. Boil. Cat. Laptop. Wordpress. IPL. Cat. Purr.  Meow. Kiss. Love. Warm.

Home.

I survived.

Tomorrow, we go back to Suri. No no, not to drink. I think I left my wallet there.

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A Text Message from a Girlfriend Who Has Spent Way Too Much Time in The Forest


You know, i used to think about how difficult it would be here, but slowly the forests here took hold of me. When i was coming back from the transect yesterday. My last line here in anshi, i didn’t want to go. So while i was sitting behind sandesh on the bike, i had my eyes closed, and i just wanted to take in every smell of the forest here. Feel the wind that was drying up my sweat and just take in the sweetness of the forests. I don’t know why i’m telling you this, but i love you. That’s all.

She’s been there for 2 months and sent me this message this morning. Completely unedited, I found it so raw and beautiful.

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Felt


Karthik was the biggest 13 year old I had ever seen. Humongous. Until his appearance, I was the only devil-may-care-for-unforced-errors wannabe big hitter in the tennis academy. Whenever the coach eyeballed me for hitting wild forehands on the line or a few inches away, I felt proud. Fuck yeah. Fetch that, imaginary opponent.

But Karthik was a different beast all together. His lack of grace and technique were compensated only by… well… nothing. He was a terrible tennis player. When you got past his size, the next thing you noticed was that he was very well off. But then this was Vizag. Everyone is very well off. Their lives are real life manifestations of AoE settlements, where they own the land, buildings and people in entire villages.

While I was still on my first Pro DSC racquet, which I reckon was made from scrap aluminium curtain rods, he had graduated to his second Yonex Isometric. The first one had been brutally driven into the ground when he missed a ball in an intra-club Sunday morning match. I managed to salvage it’s grip when he wasn’t looking.

On one such Sunday morning I was fortunate enough to play him. Walkthroughs are tougher, less fun certainly. Ramiah, a ball boy who worked at the courts, was the chair umpire with a fear of heights. He stood by the net for the entire duration. A new can of tennis balls was popped open, all participating parties were allowed to take in the aroma of fresh felt, and thus began our best-of-17-games match.

Early in our first game, the teenage Tyrannosaurus whacked a ball out of the academy enclosure. “Nee abba!” shouted Ramiah. As you might know, tennis balls were quite expensive 10 years ago. They still are.

Our coach, like all the other coaches I know, was a tall, scary man with a loud, peculiar way of breathing. Like Darth Vader breathing to the rhythm of a trance track stuck in his head. He was very particular about new tennis balls and had warned the ball boys that all losses would be compensated for by cuts in their wages. The balls boys were quite poor. Some of them did this in the mornings and ferried passengers in an auto at night.

Ramiah and Karthik ran towards to gate and I followed them. I had spotted the ball from over the wall but these two couldn’t find it anywhere. What they did catch was a glimpse of someone turning into an alley not too far away. Karthik shot after him, Ramiah and I were quite bewildered but decided to follow him since there wasn’t anything else to do. I obviously hadn’t watched enough Telugu movies then, in hindsight I think I would’ve felt like an NPC in a RPG remake of a Balayya movie.

We ran into the alley to see Karthik chasing a little kid. Wily, agile kid. But little, nonetheless. The chase went through a few more residential roads where malipoo and thotakura sellers on their morning rounds wondered what was happening. We finally caught up with the duo to see that Karthik had the little child pinned against a compound wall of a large house, with a fist that was about to swing straight into his face. The kid was clutching a tennis ball close to his chest.

This was when I stopped giggling. This was when it stopped being funny. Karthik’s fist was bigger than the child’s face. One swing and, I say this in all earnestness, he would’ve died. Suddenly it wasn’t about a lost tennis ball. It was about a little tramp who had dared to steal from the rich. It was about all the discrimination I saw as I grew up in AP. The child was too scared to cry. To frightened to let go of the tennis ball and end this chase mid way. Too scared to say sorry.

“Hey, are you crazy? Don’t hit him!”, shouted Ramiah

“No Ramiah, this is when they have to be taught, otherwise you don’t know what they will do…” said Karthik. He was 13 for fuck’s sake. Ramiah was at least 10 years older, probably in his mid 20s.

“Listen…”, he said to the kid, “if anna puts you down, will you start running away again?”

The kid stayed silent. This was the sorta question that made you go WTF? The kid had no clue what to say. He was as confused as I was.

“Karthik put him down ra”, I said. He glowered.

“Put man”, Ramiah said. He rarely spoke in English, and when he did, it was terribly funny.

Karthik finally put him down. Ramiah held his hand and we started to walk towards the courts. All four of us. Everyone except Ramiah was silent. Karthik snatched the tennis ball from him finally and strode ahead victoriously. I asked Ramiah to let the kid go, he just shook his head.

Karthik went back into the courts but Ramiah headed towards the store room entrance. We weren’t allowed in the store room, but there was no way I was letting this kid out of sight. Ramiah opened the door, turned the lights on and sat the kid on a table. I stood by the door way.

“Have you stolen from us before?”, he asked the kid.

The kid shook his head

“Don’t lie, ok? We are losing many balls these days”

The child finally spoke, “My friends see a ball on the road sometimes and take it.”

“And what do you do with it?” Ramiah asked.

“We play cricket.”

Duh. What a stupid question, I thought.

Ramiah dragged a cage full of balls towards him and flipped it open. I always wondered what the academy did with old tennis balls. Turns out they were dumped here. He took three bare, felt-less balls out and gave them to the kid.

“Listen, don’t steal. Just ask.”

The kid smiled. I smiled. For the first time in the last half an hour, I wasn’t confused.

Ten years since, I’ve lost my serve, my forehand is based completely on hope and my backhand has gone from cheap Sampras imitation to cheap Federer imitation. But there are other lessons which I doubt I will ever forget.

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Hypocrisy, or what we call it, society


For a small locality, my area has a large number of butchers. They come in two flavours. One, the not-so-clean open shop run by a tall man with a flowing white beard and oodles of tehzeeb, who greets everyone with a “assalam alaykum, aaj kya pakaenge?”. The other is his younger, smarter, cleaner cousin, who draws the more upmarket, posh crowd. (Clean  is a term used very loosely here.)

Sunday morning is a very busy time at the shop in both cases. The small place is filled with couples, mothers in gowns with young kids in one hand, burly Tamilian men with sedans parked in the narrow lane outside and the odd, untidy bachelor who’s looking at all of them.

And brisk business means more meat is sold, which means more poultry has to be slaughtered. The crowd of people would periodically separate as the butcher walked through like Moses, picked up another handful of birds from the cages outside and walk behind a wall that partially covered him.

Suddenly, a room full of middle and upper-middle class citizens is thrown out of their comfort zone, forced to listen to a chicken’s throat being slit while it clucks and bwaks, gurgles blood and generally struggles in a steel vessel before being dunked into a large cauldron of boiling water. It is then hung on a hook, dripping water and blood. And business is business, there is no time for the butcher to make sure the bird is completely dead before taking it out of the water. While on the hook, various parts of the chicken’s body still twitch. Life ebbs away at a speed that, ironically, the audience finds torturous.

The seasoned mothers in gowns try not to look, the children curiously try to catch every possible glimpse. The big burly Tamilian men too turn away, busy making small talk. A young, newly wed Punjabi couple, the girl’s arms still covered in innumerable bangles, watch on. She puts an arm around his as soon as the bloody gurgling is heard. He chuckles, puts up a brave face and tells her softly “Our wedding was probably a poultry holocaust”. She looks unhappier.This isn’t how we’re supposed to see it.

The butcher is back on the counter, all inhibitions are lost, twitching carcasses ignored. Everyone runs to get their share. No one wants to wait, more importantly, no one wants to see more of what they just saw. Women and couples served first. Not the men, especially not the bachelor. Single men are the biggest singular threat to society. They ogle at women. They drink. They watch indecent movies. Terrible, terrible I tell you. Married men, on the other hand…

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One for the Ladies


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