As seen on the GQ India blog (link). This is the unedited version.
It all began in a New Bombay suburb.
I was a shockingly perverted seven-and-a-half year old who loved playing doctor-doctor and had become the centre of attraction thanks to a new pair of spectacles. I soaked in every minute of it. Lovely young seniors in full blouses and pithy skirts patted me around. “Look how cute he looks in those big glasses!” they said while I grinned harder.
And quite contrary to what you’d expect, the perks didn’t stop there.
With great power came greatly reduced responsibility. I’m visually incompetent, sire. Can’t serve in the armed forces. Not supposed to have foresight. Can’t join the search party at the bottom of the swimming pool looking for the fat lady’s lost ring. Can’t help (now) ex-girlfriend puking all over HRC due to lack of face recognition software (or contact lenses).
Being short-sighted prepared me for a life of sinful debauchery. Waking up with someone you don’t recognize was never odd. So while others remained dazed and confused, I capitalized on morning wood. Forget acid, I grew up on blurred outlines and merging colours, a daytripper of sorts. I remember how this Goan chick felt flattered when I called her purple haze (I was merely referring to my version of her colourful lingerie).Bad vision couples beautifully with wild imagination. When sex got boring I could put faces on bodies. The possibilities were endless!
A fortunate friend was blessed with a squint along with a heavy dose of myopia. Oh what fun he had ogling at lovely assets while victims believed the seemingly innocent stare was into empty space. Bastard.
My sweetest myopic secret is that once the glasses come off, I don’t remember. Maybe some ambient sounds, but nothing of any significance. This succinctly explains how I dated a Karan Johar fan and one Uday Chopra fan. Enter theatre, convince her lenses are on and you’re good to go. In fact, I don’t think I recall anything. Too much face substitution maybe…
And having found a partner whose lenses are twice as thick as mine I must confess, love isn’t blind, it’s just terribly terribly short sighted.